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Desert Camp
by
Emily Strauss |
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On the bare beige mined-out desert
The empty nights froze solid beneath
Pinned-up stars, the families emerged
From white shadows and knelt beside
Burning coals in dusty woolen capes.
Below, in man-dug caves the rank air
Breathed hot and wet, the smooth stone
Solid but not permanent, prone to great
Heaving cracks, tried to claim its own
Spaces, plied by certain natural forces.
Finally drills found the men, half-naked
Nearly savage, skeletal, desperate, steel
Drilled two months of solid rock down,
Each man was winched free in the glaring
Sun, the dank holes left empty, lights on.
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--Submitted by ems on 2010-11-11.
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Eiken:
Emily,
This is so beautiful. I just found the site today and put a poem here too. I love the images of the desert, the dug out caves, the air, cracks and the sadness of the men, half naked, skeletal, each man winched free to the glaring light, I flinch here at the computer just reading this as though I am there and the sun is just too bright to handle, the dank holes empty...a stunning write. Maire
Posted 05/18/2011 11:41 AM
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ems:
Thanks everyone for your comments. I have modified this piece slightly, but won't bother re-posting it. The whole point for me was that the lights were left on, which I've emphasized a bit now. And thanks for words on my descriptive language.
Posted 11/16/2010 04:21 PM
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David Cooke:
Enjoyed the pun that occurred in the first line "On...the mined [mind]" which for many of us these miners were for months. It could be furthered by changing "the" to "our" which would also bring the voice in closer to the subject. An additional reading of "Below, in man-dug caves" can be achieved by eliminating the "in" so that it reads "Below man" and "Be low man" and "Below man-dug caves". Love the "woolen capes" not so sure they need to be dusty also. I am still having fun rereading this.
Posted 11/15/2010 01:19 PM
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Julianne Carlile:
I just love poems that are so descriptive like this. Really enjoyed it.
Posted 11/14/2010 10:53 PM
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cbaustin:
very strong imagery here, a couple of minor suggestions;
1. omit "the" in front of empty nights and families emerged
2. omit "was" in front of winched free and maybe say (into the glaring sun?)
also the piece may resonate more if you end it at "dank holes left empty"
Overall, a very strong poem
-Chris Austin
Posted 11/11/2010 09:32 AM
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